Too many tears

Well, it would seem that my relationship is drawing to a close. I was off work yesterday due to doctors appointments.

I had spent most of last week arguing with my partner, and all of Monday not speaking. We talked yesterday, spent ages on the phone talking about our relationship. We came to the conclusion that we have nothing in common anymore, we are always fighting and we never do anything together. It was decided that we would take a couple of days to think about things and see where we're both at by Friday. I cant see us staying together but I suppose it may happen. I cried while I was on the phone, I cried for about 40 minutes. Letting the tears fall down my face. I spent the night at my friends again.

I've shed far too many tears over that man. He's been a part of my life for so long that being without him, even the thought of being without him leaves me feeling like half a person. I feel empty and alone. Thats not to say I am alone. I have a constant stream of people telling me "Being single is great!", "Its not so bad" .... The thing is, what if it is so bad? What if I end up going my whole life without ever managing to keep a relationship together? What if I keep failing at love, what if it gives up on me .... Again??

See these are the questions that I ask myself. I dont know anymore if its because I'm scared of being alone forever that I want to be with him. That I feel compelled to make him stay with me, even when its clear we aren't happy. We haven't been happy in a long time, we're miserable him and I. I love him and at the same time I hate him so much for making me this - half woman. This thing that is only half the person I used to be.

Maybe it is time to say its finally over .... Just maybe.